At Anchor Health, we understand how valuable connections are in creating a sense of belonging. In fact, one of our Principles For Good Mental Health - 9. Check-In On Someone - drives that value. No person is an island. Growing self-esteem comes from doing esteemable things. And that means checking on others as well as looking after yourself. By reaching out, you are connecting.
Checking in can be as simple as:
“How’re things lately?”
“What’s the theme of your week?”
“What are you proud of lately?”
“Is there anything I can support you with?”
But here is the thing. Checking in might be daunting at times. What if they are going through a tough time and I don’t know what to say? What if I say the wrong thing? How do I support someone who is expressing feelings when feelings make me uncomfortable?
If by checking in on someone you discover they are distressed, we suggest starting by reminding yourself you do not need to fix it, and remove that pressure from yourself.
We’ve pulled together some tips on how to support someone by choosing helpful language when checking in:
1. Don’t be tempted to solve people’s problems
Giving advice when it has not been asked for is oftentimes not what the person is looking for. This again removes the pressure to fix something by you. When checking in on someone and they are in pain, try to avoid jumping in with solutions:
“Why don’t you try XYZ”
“Have you thought of XYZ”
Instead, when starting the chat, you could ask:
“Would you prefer an ear to listen, or are you wanting advice?”
This is empowering for the person in pain to choose how they can be safe and supported by us.
If they are explicitly after advice and it is beyond your means, be compassionately honest that you don't have the answers: but a professional will.
2. I Hear You
Let the person know you’re listening and that their experiences matter to you. Humans have good intentions when trying to hurry those we care for through their pain. But it can oftentimes be harmful and dismissive with statements like:
“It might never happen.”
“Move past it.”
“Relax. Calm down.”
“Surely it's not that bad.”
“It could be worse.”
Try not to fall into the trap of giving ‘perspective’ by comparing their situations to others, or to yours. Everyone’s pain is relative and valid.
You could instead say the following:
“I’m sorry to hear that”
“That sounds really difficult.”
“I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling.”
“Let me know what you need.”
“I hear you.”
“I’m here for you.”
3. Dig Deeper
Don’t make the mistake of assuming you get it instantly. Take the time to dig deeper, otherwise, you may come across as disinterested. You could ask:
“Help me understand more so I can be there for you?”
“Can you tell me more?”
“What’s the one thing really playing on your mind at the moment?”
“I’d like to understand what you’ve been going through”
Being seen and validated is so important for human connection. Helping someone achieve that is powerful and esteemable. Checking in on others elevates your own sense of purpose. Knowing you are doing good - truly making a difference - might just be the motivation you need to keep tracking forward on your own path to mental wellness.
But when checking in on someone, providing support needs boundaries you are comfortable with. How much or how little support is up to you by identifying your capacity and your limitations. Knowing when to suggest professional help is key. And ultimately: remember to check in on
yourself.
Written by Jessica Kirk
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